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Uncertainly Certain

‘He loves me, He loves me not. He loves me, He loves me not’. The refrain repeats as petals flutter to the ground, hoping that the last petal will be ‘He loves me’, but knowing the outcome is as random as the number of petals on the daisy and that the answer can change from flower to flower.

Uncertainly certain am I of God’s love for me. This is a paradox of the war which rages within my heart and mind. My mind knows and believes that the God of the universe loves me unreservedly, but my heart. My treacherous heart whispers to me otherwise and whips the heart and bruises the heart until it is unwilling to unfurl and receive the love He freely gives.

Zephaniah 3:17King James Version

17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

I cling to Zephaniah 3:17. I rage in disbelief at Zephaniah 3:17. I wonder at the love my God has for me. I envision God’s love as a bountiful banquet table, but often I am not AT the table. I am crouching by the floor hesitantly collecting the crumbs of love as they drop to the floor. God’s love is the kind of love that delights and sings songs of joy over me yet I will often whisper, ‘not me, I am not that lovable’.

How many of us count ourselves unworthy, separating ourselves by choice?

We forget that we are His chosen ones. We will choose to sit at the floor waiting for those love crumbs to drop instead of seated at the table. We will hold ourselves apart; we will be the one on the outside looking in. We are in the midst of a fierce battle. A battle that rages within our own hearts and minds. A battle between what we know to be true and what we feel. There is also one who seeks to destroy us and our emotions are one of his prime battlefields.

But we have the weapon that can defeat this battle. It is in knowing the Truth. It is in knowing who Truth is. It is in deciding that the Word of God made flesh is True and Truth. The truth: God delights in you. He sings over you. It is True. This truth is what we must base our choices on. However, my feelings often tell me otherwise. I often FEEL like I am on the outside looking in. I feel like I cannot enter in to His love for me. I can accept the fact that He gave His life for me, but being worthy of all His love offers is something I have battled with. I see Him pouring His love on His other children, but I don’t count myself deserving of His love so I hold myself back.

So it is with many of us. We know that God loves us, yet many are still on the outside looking in. How many of us, while we hold the gaze of the Father, take a few steps toward His abundant love, but when we glance down at ourselves, at the filth of our sin, at the hurts lurking in our hearts do we take a few steps back?

He loves me…. He loves me not…. He loves me….

Which one will you choose to believe today? Will you open up your soul arms wide and welcome His love?

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